ANNOUNCER (FADING IN) It's the year two-thousand forty-one and Shockwave Radio Theatre presents the further adventures of Pete Moss, Spaced Detective. Tonight's episode: "The Brain Stealers" -- WHO are they? And WHAT would they want with Pete? But first, this message from our sponsor. COMMERCIAL # 1 RALPH "Give me immortality or give me death!" That's the motto here at Ralph Spoilsport's new and used BodyShop, in the City...Of The Future. Hiya, friends, Ralph Spoilsport here to tell you that everybody must die, but you don't have to be there when it happens. That's why we're having a great Going Out of Body Sale! Yes, you can live forever while your friends fall apart around you like rotten fruit. And here's how -- Lease an organ or limb from our Headless Body Farm. It's made in America from Americans! Enter the new century with these exclusive clone-ons: nap-velour designer genes, deluxe follical hair-mat grafting with upgraded media-sensitive, stimulated wrapper-filler, rear-rolled non-glossy carbon-intensified glutal guards, power moons and tinted-tit grill-spoilers, in slash, dash or faux flannel. So come on down to Ralph Spoilsport's City Of The Future. And do it today, because there may not be a tomorrow. ANNOUNCER As we begin our story, we find Pete Moss in his office, reviewing a big case... PETE Let's see... there were 99 bottles of beer on the wall, but apparently one was taken down and passed around, leaving... KNOCK ON DOOR. PETE Door's open. WOMAN (COMING ON MIKE) Are you the detective? PETE Yeah; my card. WOMAN (reading) "Pete Moss, Insulting Detective" PETE That's supposed to read "Consulting Detective" (low to himself) I knew that jerk would print it wrong. WOMAN And here's my card. PETE "Your Name Here"...What's that supposed to mean? WOMAN I'm in the advertising business. call me Marla. PETE OK, Miss Marla, what can I do ya for? MARLA Well, Mr. Moss, I want you to find my brother. He's been a department store Santa for the last few years, but lately he's been depressed over the decline in customers. PETE Well, it is April. MARLA I haven't seen him for two days. PETE Which two? MARLA(MUMBLNG) You're the detective, you figure it out. PETE What did you say? Speak louder. MARLA (confused) I...I don't speak Louder. "Parlez-vous francais?" PETE Sorry, lady, I don't speak Canadian... MARLA Look, enough of this doubletalk ...doubletalk. Are you going to take my case or not? PETE For fifty a day, sure...in advance. PETE (VOICEOVER) I got what little information the dame had about her brother and went over to Santa's apartment. There was no answer to my knock, so I let myself in. The place was empty; there was a note scribbled by the phone - "Right in the old Wazoo". I found a picture of Santa with an unidentified one-legged man. With nothing else to go on, I returned to my office. I found an envelope shoved under the door. (paper rustle) It was a threatening letter. Several, in fact, though the sender had neglected to glue the letters onto the paper. I hate do-it-yourself threats. PETE Let's see...R, P, O, S... Hmm..."Carpe Theos"... but why would the Pope threaten me? I gave back the hat... mmm... "The Pods Care". Intriguing, but unlikely... mmmm... Impatient knocking at the door. PETE Er.. .just a minute...(rustling) come on in. MARLA (COMING ON MIKE) Any news about my brother yet? Have you located him? PETE Nothing yet. Checked out his apartment, not much to find there. MARLA What's this "p" on the floor? PETE I... uh, I had peas for breakfast. MARLA Wait, it could be a "d"... PETE I had D's for lunch. With T. MARLA Listen, you'd better mind your P's and Q's with me, P.I. I just stopped by to check if there was any news yet. And to help you with these lame jokes... (fading) I'll be back later. ANNOUNCER But Pete's mysterious client heads straight to the corner phone booth and makes a furtive call... MARLA (ON PHONE) Listen Daniels, it's me. I went back to that dick's office and found "p" on the floor and something doesn't smell right. I think there's a leak! Someone's trying to warn off the shamus. And listen, I got a tip on where our Santa might be hiding, I'll check it out. Catch you on the flip side. ANNOUNCER Meanwhile, Pete is still trying to decipher the note. PETE "Scar the dope"... "Cathee prods"...Cathee prods? "Prod the case"...Hmmm... "Dorp the Case".. Well, they can't spell very well, but it sounds like someone else is interested in Santa's whereabouts. Phone, PHONE (CARTOON VOICE) Numba pleeze.. PETE Get me Otis Moperandi at police headquarters... PHONE All righty. PETE Otis, Pete here. Let me know if you guys pick up someone dressed like Santa Claus, willya? I wanna... oh, you have? I'd like to talk to him. Where can I meet you?...ok, got it. PETE (VOICEOVER) The address was some cheap motel on the east side. I entered the apartment and knew by Santa's unblinking expression that I could talk to him, but he wasn't in any shape to "ho-ho-ho"ld up his end of the conversation. OTIS Pete, what do you know about our "Santa Corpse" here? PETE I was hired to find him, Otis. Guess I'm too late. What killed him? OTIS Some coked-up fruitcake. PETE Did you catch the little junkie? OTIS What junkie? I told ya, he ate some fruitcake laced with coke, and OD'd. Ironic, isn't it? PETE How's that? OTIS Santa - killed by snow. PETE Yeah...his sister ain't gonna like this... OTIS His sister?... You talked to his sister? PETE Sure - a striking blond, about six feet tall... OTIS Six feet under, ya mean! She's been dead for ten years! PETE Dead? But someone fired me to hind him... OTIS Well, facto ipso, her it was not. Besides, Santa isn't even from around these parts; he comes from Yes, Virginia. PETE Well,it's obvious someone doesn't believe in Santa. And that same someone sent me a threatening letter. OTIS Ad rem? What'd it say? PETE "Drop the case" - or maybe "Dose the carp", I'm not sure. (fading) I'll call you if I find anything. ANNOUNCER Meanwhile, in a nondescript back alley, Pete's mysterious client meets with a shadowy figure... MARLA We found Santa, recovered the experimental unit and planted the evidence to throw them off the track. The dopes'll just peg it as another dope deal gone sour. ROCKY ROCOCO (HOARSELY) Heheheh. That's stupid! MARLA Thanks, Rocky.. ROCKY But we got trouble, Marla. There's a sleazy weasel in the organization who's been trying to warn the gumshoe and we don't know who. MARLA Don't worry, Mr. R, my man Godfrey will ferret him out. (fading out) And anyway, we don't need that Moss hanging around any more... PETE (VOICEOVER) Later that afternoon, The dame came back. I decided to play dumb and not let her know I was wise... MARLA Have you found anything yet? PETE Not much. But I did find this picture of your late brother with a one-legged man. Can you identify him? MARLA No. Sorry, but I never did know his name. His one-legged friend and I traveled in different circles. In any case, I've decided to take you off the case. If my brother doesn't want to stay in touch with me, that's his business. (leaving) I've already paid you for today, so we're square. So long. PETE (VOICEOVER) And so, the beautiful lady walked out of my building and out of my life, like so many before her. I followed her like a dog, like so many before her. I spotted her entering an abandoned baby factory, where I discovered she'd left me for some pretty unsavory friends, like so many before her -- one was a thug with one leg... DANIELS (WITH THUG ACCENT) ...so then I says to Eel O'Brian, "Why the long face?" (chuckles) MARLA Has Jones spilled the beans yet, Daniels? DANIELS Not yet Miss. We worked right through lunch. MARLA Has he talked! DANIELS Oh. No, not yet, sorry. But he will. MARLA Good. After you dispose of the body, meet me at the rendezvous about nine. DANIELS I might be a little late; I have to attend a christening. MARLA A christening? DANIELS Sort of - I'm gonna smash a bottle over his head and push 'im in the river. MARLA Riiight. That's stupid! DANIELS Thanks, boss. MARLA See ya tonight. PETE (VOICEOVER) The broad strode out but I decided to hang around and question her bully-boy. I find toughs are pretty easy to handle if you get the drop on 'em. PETE Hold it there, buster! DANIELS Huh? Whaddya know, a flatfoot! PETE So what? Kept me out of the army! And now, I've got some questions that need answerin'. DANIELS Sure. No problem. But maybe you wanna talk with -- (He pulls out a knife with an unsheathing sound) -- Mac the Knife, here. PETE Fine, as long as I got (Sound of gun from holster) Ronald the Ray Gun, here. Drop that knife - AND that phoney accent. (dropping sound) What I need to know is the meeting place for tonight. DANIELS (W.C. FIELDS) I don't know what you're talking about, Sheriff! You have nothing on me. PETE Listen, ya bloated sloat! DANIELS I'm not a sloat! PETE You're as guilty as a kid caught smoking dirty magazines behind the barn. We'll just wait here and cut off the fingers of your gloves with your fingers in 'em 'til your memory improves... PETE (VOICEOVER) That got the information out of him real quick. I belted him real good with a bottle of scotch I found in his pocket went back to my office and called my Hassidic pal, 3M... a buddy from the first Earth-Mars war. He was torn up so bad he came out of it half man, half machine, and half Martian, so we called him 3M. I told him to meet me at the old Raymond candle factory on the edge of town. The night watchman was out front and while I engaged him in light banter, 3M slipped a placebo into his coffee. In a few moments, the guard was out like Mickie Flynn. (Body fall) We went through his pockets to a narrow hallway; I began to hear voices...and these weren't the voices I usually hear... MARLA ...we found the one that got away and put him on ice, we got the squealer and whacked him, and the P.I. is out of the picture. So what's the problem? ROCKY ROCOCO (HOARSELY) That dick is still poking around in sensitive places; maybe we should grease him, like my hair. And we've got a bigger problem... MARLA What's that? ROCKY I'm not sure if I can keep up these euphemisms much longer... PETE (OFF) Don't lose any sleep over it, fatso! I'll do the talkin' from now on. ROCKY Who's there!? MARLA Daniels? Is that you? PETE(COMING ON) Godfrey couldn't make it tonight; I'm filling in for him. Now, tell me why you killed Santa. Was it because he knew too much? Was it a double-cross? Was it on account of that doll you never got for Christmas? MARLA I wouldn't talk to a shoofly like you. PETE Oh yeah? I'll fix your little red wagon, sister! I've got nothin' to lose by tightening the screws...I thimk I'll start ny breakin' those pretty long fingernails of yours... MARLA No...stop! OK, OK.... Santa had to die because -- ROCKY Don't tell him, Marla! MARLA I have no choice. I'm going to a charity ball tonight with the mayor, and I've got to look perfect... PETE Then, sing, sister! MARLA Ok! PETE In the key of C! MARLA Santa had something special, very special in his bag, and if -- ROCKY I warned you! A shot is heard. MARLA Ahhh!!! MARLA thuds to the floor PETE Wha...? Ya killed her! ROCKY She was killing that song! PETE Eat photons, criminal scum! Ray gun zaps, then some 'empty' clicks ROCKY So long, sucker! PETE Damn! Why'd I buy the wind-up model.. Sound of a wind-up toy as Pete winds his ray gun. 3M (COMING ON) Pete! Get out of here, Pete, the factory's on fire! PETE Didja see which way he ran out of here? He killed my lead story! 3M I didn't see nobody. PETE I thought you were an observant Jew... 3M ...I eat a little bacon... PETE (VOICEOVER) The shooter, whoever he was, pulled the fire alarm to cover his arson. 3M and I ran outta the candleworks before we snuffed it. We watched as the candle factory very slowly burned to the ground. With no leads, we returned to my office for some old-fashioned brainstorming. 3M What's our next move? PETE Here, read this note. PHONE Ring. 3M "Right in the old Wazoo." PETE I found that in Santa's workshop. PHONE Ring! PETE If we can figure out what it means, maybe we can get somewhere. Until then... PHONE Hey, I'm ringing here! PETE Pete Moss. OTIS (ON PHONE) Pete, I've just read the autopsy report on our little corpus christmas. It turns out he didn't die from cocaine like we first thought. Pete... his brain has been removed. Tabula rasa maxima, you might say. PETE No brain...? ANNOUNCER WHO killed Marla? WHY is Santa's brain missing? WHAT about the smoked kipper? Find out after this important message. COMMERCIAL #2 PHIL Because of us, it's morning in America. MELINDA Breakfast, honey! DAVE Thanks. Hey - is this real pork? PHIL Because of us, people in the Great Plains are just plain doing things. Little things, like taking money from machines. OLD DAVE Hey! Hey, stop, kid! I'm not a machine! PHIL Because of us, they're roasting East Coast marshmallows on the West Coast . . . MELINDA Wow! These taste like pork! PHIL We're the people of US PLUS. Guess what we do? DAVID Chemistry? MELINDA Transportation? OLD DAVID Pork? PHIL Kind of. We're US PLUS. We own the idea of America. ANNOUNCER And now, back to "The Brain Stealers". Pete's phone has an important announcement... PHONE Ring! PETE Yeah, Pete here. OTIS (PHONE) Pete, we pulled a corpse out of that candle factory fire and we want you and 3M to come down to the body shop. PHONE (OFFMIKE) Eeew! PETE We'll be right there, Otis. PETE (VOICEOVER) 3M and I drove over to the city morgue and followed the sweet smell of fleshly-burned fresh; Otis was waiting by a sheet-covered slab. OTIS Pete, we dug this body out of the fire; it's burned beyond recognition - do you recognize it? PETE Hmmm...[etc, thinking sounds] Well, I can't say if that was my client, but if you find a bullet in her I'd bet it is. She hired me to find that Santa who turned up with his brain missing. OTIS Yeah, she was shot alright. The fire at the candle factory was arson, too. It started at the north end and the south end at the same time. 3M You mean...? OTIS Let it go. PETE What about Santa? Any leads? OTIS Yeah, there were a couple of leads hooked up to his spine; that's about it. We think someone was trying to animate his corpse somehow. 3M Boy, wouldn't the kids be surprised... PETE I appreciate your little peep show, Otis, but if that's all you need me for, I've got to go run down some other clues. OTIS Listen, you keep your nose clean, Moss! That innocent night watchman you slipped that placebo to is gonna have to spend the next two weeks in a building that looks like a hospital, no thanks to you. I oughta run you in. PETE (VOICEOVER WITH OTIS) 3M and I returned to my office. OTIS (FADING) And don't narrate when I'm talking... PETE (VOICEOVER) 3M and I returned to my office. I reread the note I found at Santa's place - "Right in the old wazoo". What could it mean? DISTANT TAPPING, coming closer PETE (VOICEOVER) Neither one of us noticed the shadow outside my office door... BLIND TOMMY (DISTANT) Message for Pete Moss! MACHINE GUN FIRES 8 TIMES BLIND TOMMY (DISTANT, LEAVING) Heh, heh, heh..... PETE (VOICEOVER) I felt something wet running down my forehead into my eyes. I wiped my eyes and looked at the -- green gooey liquid? There was a hole in my head the size of an IRS agent's heart, but no blood was coming out. Instead, it was...(smack smack) Lime Jello!? MUSIC STING PETE (VOICEOVER) The gunman was nowhere in sight so 3M helped me down to the sawbone's office to find out why I was still moving around after being shot in the head. DR. KRONKHEIT (very Germanic) Ya, I haff ze X-rays here, you zee? Eet ees verry interestink... VERRY interestink. PETE Doc, what does it mean? Why is my head leaking a dessert in one of the less popular flavors? DR. KRONKHEIT Vell, it's really verry zimple. Your brain is gone and your head iss full of lime Jello. 3M But how can Pete be talking to us without a brain? DR. KRONKHEIT Oh, HUAC members do it all ze time, zat's no trick. In your case, you've got a zmall device at the base of your spine. Zat's probably keeping you in touch wiz your brain, whereever she is, ya? PETE And is that why my getting shot in the head didn't hurt? DR. KRONKHEIT Ya -- no brain, no pain! PETE What should I do, Doc? DR. KRONKHEIT You'd better sleep with your head in the fridge if you don't want your head to leak and slosh around. PETE But what about my brain? DR. KRONKHEIT I zugchest you find eet. 3M Wait a minute, Pete! Where's that note you found at Santa's apartment? PETE Here (paper crinkling) "Right in the old wazoo" 3M Look - it doesn't say "Right in the old wazoo"; it's "Right in the old Washington Zoo". W.A. for Washington. The old Washington Zoo in the north part of town. PETE That's it! Get the car ready 3M, I'll go wind up my gun. 3M Sorry Pete, I can't go. It's almost sunset, and today's Friday. I have to go; it's my turn to pray. PETE That's right, I forgot. Well, can I at least borrow your mechanical hand? 3M Sure. Here, I'll unlock the wrist, now just pull my finger... (3M says prayer over hand, ending with 'golem tarsis') PETE Take this walkie-talkie. I'll use it if I need you to do anything. (fading) I'll give you a ride home if you like... ANNOUNCER But, right in the old Washington Zoo, a mysterious figure is listening in on the conversation. After all, when you've got a speaker hooked up to a man's brain in a jar, how many secrets can he have...? PETE (AS ON DISTANT PHONE) See you tomorrow, 3M. Thanks for giving me a hand. NITRATE So, the gumshoe figured out where his brain is being held... I underestimated him. I'd better make some "adjustments" to his corpus callosum before he gets here. (REWIRING SOUNDS) Transitional music ANNOUNCER Pete pulls up to the Washington Zoo and hangs a right, not expecting that he's expected. PETE (VOICEOVER) I arrived at the Washington Zoo and turned right, like the announcer, uh, like the note said. I didn't know what to expect, so I wasn't sure what I would find, or if I would know it when I found it. But I kept looking. ANNOUNCER But from his hidden laboratory, an enigmatic silhouette in a white lab coat is observing Pete's every move via remote hidden cameras. NITRATE That's it, mister Moss. Right into my trap...just a little farth-- no, not that way! You're getting colder! Oh, freezing! Grrr.. (DISTANTLY) Hey! The hidden lab is OVER HERE! PETE (DISTANTLY) What? Oh, coming... Footsteps of PETE arriving. NITRATE Stop right there, Moss. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Professor Emil Nitrate; would you be interested in... a slightly USED ORGAN? Emphatic organ sting PETE If you're talking about my brain, yes, otherwise I've already got an organ and I'm very happy with it. I'll just take my brain back, if you don't mind. NITRATE Really, do you think you can threaten me with that silly ray gun? What do you think of... THIS? (click of switch) PETE ...Wow, you cleared up my sinuses just by flipping that switch! How'd you do that? NITRATE Whaaat?.... Oh, sorry, that was your olfactory system (CLICK - THUD) There! I've turned off your motor control, Moss, you literally can't lift a finger to stop me now! PETE (VOICEOVER) He was right! One flip of a switch, and I went limp as a noodle. That control panel was hooked up to my brain, which was in a jar connected to some kind of transmitter! Dr. Nitrate started telling me about his insane plan. NITRATE Insane? I'll show you who's insane! (OVERLAP WITH PETE'S LINE) This switch controls your voiceover (CLICK) PETE (VOICEOVER WITH ABOVE) The megalomaniacal madman started telling me... (STOP AT CLICK ABOVE) NITRATE Now, without further interruption, I will tell you about my insane... about my plan to take over -- THE WORLD! Ha ha ha ha! PAULA (HALFHEARTEDLY) HA ha ha ha ha... NITRATE No, more like this, Paula: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" PAULA "Ha ha ha ha ha ha..." NITRATE No! More maniacal - you're supposed to be mad! PAULA (ENGLISH ACCENT) Yes, but I was... NITRATE Mad-crazy, not mad-angry! PAULA Oh, I see, hahahahahaha! NITRATE That's the spirit! Mr. Moss, this is Paula - apprentice. PAULA Don't get up. NITRATE Santa, you see, was just a test; when he found out, he tried to run, and had to be slayed. Just as you will have to be eliminated. Here, I'll enable the muscles in your jaw so you can at least talk to me... (CLICK) PETE You lunatic! You'll never get away with this. You're crazy! NITRATE That's what they said when I tried to sell my brain-controlling idea to the networks. NBC gives a radio show to a ventriloquist and they call me crazy? PAULA Hahahahaah... NITRATE Not now, Paula! PAULA Sorry. NITRATE If you remove a person's brain and connect it electronically, you can broadcast television directly into the cerebral cortex. Then, they have to pay attention to the commercials, see? PAULA Ooooh, now that's evil genius! NITRATE Thank you. PETE Hey, I remember you now! We went to the same medical school for a week in Mexico. You were a loner who didn't have any friends. NITRATE What do you mean, no friends? I made plenty of friends in shop class. PAULA Out of wood, Emil. That doesn't count. NITRATE Shuttup, Paula! Stick up for me! I "wood" have graduated if it wasn't for that scandal; it's not like I'm the first student surgeon to be caught in flagrante delecto with one of his patients. PAULA Yes, and you were studying to be a tree surgeon, Emil... NITRATE Cut it, wood you! It ruined me! You all laughed at me. PETE I wasn't laughing at you, Emil, I was laughing with the people who were laughing at you. NITRATE Then, they said I was too unstable to work at the Post Office, so I was reduced to making balloon animals at birthday parties - look (SOUND OF BALLOON BEING BLOWN UP) - E. Coli! (BALLOON EXPLODES) I ended up on road crews, removing asphalt - it was degrading. PETE You're breakin' my heart, Emil. You should try a little more humility. NITRATE If you want my opinion on humility, and I know you do, I think... PETE You always were a failure; your phlogiston experiments went nowhere. NITRATE Ach, phlogiston leaves me cold; I should be working on...on atomic power or space exploration; I could be sending probes to Uranus right now. PETE (chokes) Well, I'm glad you're not... PAULA Oh, couldn't we? NITRATE I'd never get the backing for it! I stole your brain two days ago with my usual brilliant surgery after flooding your office with this anaesthetic here. What do you think of that!? PAULA But Emil, this Nitrous Oxide smells funny. Shouldn't we mix a fresh batch? NITRATE Why not? Moss, if you'll excuse us for a moment; promise you won't lift a finger to stop me? Ha ha ha (going off mike) 3M (ON W-T) Pete, can you hear me? It's 3M. You left your walkie-talkie on. I heard everything. The cops are on the way. PETE 3M! Great! But just in case the police don't get here in time to save me, can you move your hand around by remote control until you find my ray gun?...No, not there, the other way... No! Ouch, don't grab that... OK... 3M (ON W-T) Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just... PETE Yes! Yes, that's it. Now climb out of my pocket so I can see where you're pointing. Hurry up, I hear him coming back. NITRATE (RETURNING) And now, Moss, it's time to...Where did you get that ray gun? You promised you wouldn't lift a finger to stop me! PETE That's not my finger. I had a little trick up my sleeve; 3M's hand! Now the worm is on the other foot...(sotto) about 5 degrees left, 3. (normal) Now Emil, switch my muscles back on or I'll shoot. NITRATE But if you shoot me, you'll stay paralyzed. OTIS (LOUD, OFF MIKE) Pete? Where're ya? PETE Hey police! In here! NITRATE I think I'll just leave, if you don't mind...and don't bother following me, you have to have the code to open the secret panel, not to mention a brain. So long, Pete, hahahah....(He leaves) Steps come in. OTIS Pete! 3M told me I'd find you here. PETE Yeah, I almost got the guy who stole my brain; it's over on that counter. Otis, flip that big lever so I can move again! OTIS OK, just a sec, Pete...(CLICK) Good work, by the way; wish you were back on the force with us. PETE You know I quit when they started cloning you guys and using you as cannon fodder. I think it's dehumanizing the way they pull out a duplicate every time one of you gets killed. Now give me my brain back so I can go home. OTIS Sorry Pete, we have to keep your brain as evidence until I can clear it with the chief. PETE After I filled Otis in on Emil Nitrate, I went back to my car... OTIS What are you talking about? PETE Oh, turn my voiceover back on, will you? It's that switch on the end - NOT THAT SW-(CLICK *THUD*) OTIS Oh, sorry Pete. PETE ...it's the RED switch... (CLICK!) PETE (VOICEOVER) After I filled Otis in on Emil Nitrate, I went back to my car and drove over to 3M's pad to drop off his hand. I returned to my office and fell asleep on my desk. Some hours later... Knock on door PETE C'mon in. OTIS Pete, here's your brain. The chief thought you'd need it. Any leads on where Professor Nitrate is hiding? PETE Nothin' yet. Geez, my head is still killing me. OTIS Hey, I see Blind Tommy paid you a visit. PETE What? Who's Blind Tommy? OTIS He's a freelance torpedo, goes around sending warning messages to people for whoever wants to pay him. He's a blind gunman with a punchcard-controlled machine gun; he spells out his client's threat in Braille using bullets. PETE Braille? OTIS Yeah, that's how I recognized his handiwork. Those bullet holes in your door spell out "BOO" in Braille. PETE So Nitrate must've hired Blind Tommy to scare me off. Maybe Tommy knows where Nitrate is hiding. Do you know where Blind Tommy hangs out? OTIS No, but he sometimes sings in the choir at St. Vitus' church on Bourbon street. PETE Maybe he'll sing for me... PETE (VOICEOVER) 3M and I traipsed over to St. Vitus' church to look for Blind Tommy. 3M found a body in the vestibule. 3M Pete! Over here! Look, a dead bishop. PETE Yeah. Looks like those bullet wounds are more Braille. Can you read Braille? 3M No, but my mechanical hand can..... hmmm... "D-I-E" PETE Guess this wasn't a warning. We'd better look for clues. 3M What'll we do? PETE Search the bishopric! 3M Search the bishop yourself, jerk! PETE No, I mean we should search the diocese. Blind Tommy probably lives nearby. 3M Oh. OK, I'll look around outside with my television eye. PETE (VOICEOVER) 3M's television eye could spot a gnat at a hundred yards. 3M Pete, look! Over by that black Lincoln! Gnats! Oh, and a blind guy. PETE That's probably Tommy. Let's tail him and see if he takes us to Nitrate's hideout. PETE (VOICEOVER) We followed Tommy and saw him enter an old rug-weaving factory in the textile district. 3M and I hugged - 3M What?! PETE -- uh, the shadows! as we slowly made our approach. The weaving factory loomed ahead; I practiced girding my loins while 3M carefully picked the lock. 3M Umm...that one! PETE (VOICEOVER) We broke into the factory to find... 3M Emil Nitrate! NITRATE Moss! And that annoying sidekick of yours. I see you brought his whole body this time. 3M I brought myself. NITRATE How'd you find me, flatfoot? PETE I'm not a flatfoot, I'm a gumshoe! It's the crepe soles that make me walk this way. NITRATE Walk which way? PETE Walk this way. NITRATE Look, if I walked that way I'd be a laughingstock -- Hell, I'd be a Birkenstock! PETE (TALKING SLOWLY) The jig is up, Emil. It's... time... to... uh... it's.... 3M Pete! What's wrong? PETE I...dunno... I'd....better... switch... to... voiceover... NITRATE I think your detective friend forgot to change his brain water this morning. He's running down! Hahahaha... PETE (FX: SLOWING VOICEOVER) 3M tried to stop Nitrate but... my... narration... was... too... NITRATE Vini, vidi, vici! PETE (FX: SLOW VOICEOVER) ..slow... 3M I'll take over the narration. Give me that coffeecup (fumbling) 3M (VOICEOVER) Um, testing, uh, Pete and I, uh... NITRATE Got locked into Nitrate's hideout! 3M (VOICEOVER) ..got locked into Nitrate's hideout. It doesn't say that! NITRATE (AS THROUGH DOOR) Don't worry, we're ad-libbing now! And here's a suggestion from the audience-- there's a fire in the basement! (leaving) Hahahahahaha.... ANNOUNCER HOW will Pete and 3M get out of this one? WHEN will Pete change the water on his brain? Find out after this important message from our sponsor. PETE (SLOW) ...it... doesn't...say...that.... COMMERCIAL # 3 MELINDA The lottery is the people. The people taking a last chance on themselves. So, why shouldn't people just like you spend the next century stuffed with truffles, like lucky tin can opener, Juan La Fong... PHIL I won! Now,I don't have to work on this finger cutting machine no more.Whoops! MELINDA Or Itch 'n Sniff winner, Mrs. Manilla Envelope'. DAVID Finally I can afford to pay someone to kill my husband. MELINDA And the losers' money goes to our schools for embedding mental detectors in our kids; to our prisons so they can have Sadie Hawkins Day. Lottery luck. It's only a buck away. PHIL Triple Rip Off Millennial Snatch 'n Lick. Now rolled over to a hundred and eighty billion dollars. MELINDA If anybody still has a chance, it must be you. ANNOUNCER And now back to our story. As you remember, Pete and 3M were trapped in a burning building, but fortunately Clonestable Deus X. Machina happened by and rescued them; they returned to Pete's office to change his brain water. 3M Pete... Pete, you feeling better? I had to use seltzer, I hope the carbonation doesn't bother you. PETE Mom? (hic!) 3M Great. Listen, I got a tip from a mohel on Nitrate's whereabouts and called it in to Otis. He should be calling us any... PHONE Ring! PETE (hic!) Door's open. PHONE RING!!! What's the use? I quit. OTIS (ON PHONE) Pete, we found Nitrate's body, but I don't think you're gonna like it. 3M Otis, 3M here. Pete's thinking is a little fizzy right now. PETE (hic!) What's up? OTIS (ON PHONE) Well 3M, we did an autopsy on Nitrate. His brain's missing. 3M His brain is gone? OTIS (ON PHONE) We found a reel of tape in his skull, I was just about to play it. You and Pete listen on your end. NITRATE (ON TAPE ON PHONE) Sorry to disappoint you boys, but I'm out of my mind at the moment. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I've STOLEN a new BODY! Wait for the taunt -- HAHAHAhahahahaha! ANNOUNCER And so ends "The Brain Stealers" starring Brian Westley as Pete Moss Steve Perry as Pete's Brain and the telephone Dave Romm as Marion Michael Morrison Phil Proctor as Rocky Rococo, Dr. Emil Nitrate, and Blind Tommy Melinda Peterson as Marla and Paula apprentice and David Ossman as Clonestable Otis Moperandi, Dr. Kronkheit, and Godfrey Daniels. Written by Brian Westley, Phil Proctor, Melinda Peterson, Dave Romm, and Jerry Stearns. Special material by the Firesign Theatre. Music written by Thomas O'Neill, recorded by Doc Technical; PLAY button pressed by Brian Price. tune in again, some time, some station, for another perplexing episode of Pete Moss, ALL Spaaaaaced Detective!!! Copyright 1998 Brian Westley, Phil Proctor, Melinda Peterson, Dave Romm, and Jerry Stearns. Portions Copyright 1998 The Firesign Theatre